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No More Homeless Pets Forum
January 26, 2004 Dealing With Emotions |
Animal rescuers experience strong emotions - both their own and others' feelings. Unless they are managed constructively, differences of opinion and hurt feelings can lead to fractures within groups. Linda Harper, Ph.D., psychologist and author, will offer her insights into coping with emotion and resolving differences in a positive way.
Introduction from Linda Harper:
How often have you heard, or perhaps even said to yourself, "It's not the animals that stress me out -- it's the people! Is there any way I can avoid the people?" Of course, the correct answer to that question is "No."The No More Homeless Pets movement needs people. It completely relies on the actions and cooperation of all kinds of people with differing gifts and talents – co-workers, volunteers, other agencies, the community, and those we count on to love and care for the animals. And everyone brings with them their own unique personality, interpersonal style, and ISSUES! As a clinical psychologist for over 20 years, I have learned that understanding our own giving styles (including strengths, limitations and personal "baggage") is the first place to start when trying to deal effectively with the emotions of others. Then, we can more objectively and compassionately handle the inevitable interpersonal differences and conflicts that arise. Ultimately, managing our own emotions and maintaining good interpersonal relationships will enhance our collective ability to help the animals.
Questions
Dealing with frustration, anger, and depression over lack of respect for animals
Leaving a group you founded when volunteers don't want you to go
When a "toxic" volunteer wants to be on the board
How do we work towards the same goal if we have different approaches?
Getting involved as a volunteer when shelters are hesitant to accept new help
Bringing an organization's focus back on track and losing volunteers in the process
Dealing with a frustrating volunteer that burns out other volunteers
When rescuers start attacking other rescuers verbally on e-groups
Balancing your volunteers' wishes with what is best for the organization
Overcoming the "we've already tried it and it didn't work" mentality
When progress within a group is at a stand still
Getting groups to a meeting and leaving egos and personalities behind
When shelter works become hardened and indifferent
When people try to guilt you into activities
Dealing with frustration, anger, and depression over lack of respect for animals
Question from Jo Marie:
I operate a sanctuary focused mainly on pigs, mostly potbellied pigs. I try, if at all possible to live a cruelty-free lifestyle, and I do have compassion for ALL animals, not just a chosen few. We rescue, rehabilitate and relocate these beautiful porcine creatures. Daily, I have to deal with people who have no sympathy for these intelligent animals. Even within our own organization, I've had persons become very angry and quit the organization, because I have refused to allow the selling of hotdogs, hamburgers, etc. at our fundraiser events. I allow them to go, and don't attempt to keep them in our organization. I educate constantly and hand out leaflets on the horrors of factory farms, and the reasons for living a cruelty-free lifestyle.My question is this: How do I deal with my frustration, yes, anger, and tremendous load of depression caused by this lack of respect for our wonderful animal world?
Linda Harper's response:
I very much empathize with your frustration, anger and depression, and I know you speak for many of us in this field. This movement to help ALL living creatures, as well as to educate people about the feelings, rights, value and just plain "wonderfulness" of all animals needs people like you to keep doing what you are doing. I view one of my roles as helping people like you continue to be able to do the important work that you do (with minimal draining, depleting emotions and feelings of "giving up").One of my mentors in this difficult "emotional" area is Jane Goodall. She believes that we can do more for the animals by trying to take a peaceful approach to some of these issues we feel so strong about - to still maintain hope that things can continue to get better for the animals and to continue to educate people while living our values. And it is amazing to see all that she has accomplished for the animals and how through this approach, she has inspired and motivated others.
There are a few other mental-emotional-spiritual strategies that might be also help.
It is always helpful to surround ourselves with others who value animals like we do. And to share and hear the positive stories about people who care, giving us reason to hope and have faith in our fellow human beings. And there are more and more people out there doing wonderful things for the animals. It may be helpful for you to attend some of these animal welfare conferences. I am always so much more inspired and hopeful about the possibility of a changing world for the animals after I have been around so many compassionate and dedicated people at these conferences. I realize that we are all working toward a greater vision for the world, and step by step, we are getting there!
As hard as it can be, we need to try to accept people at the level they are at. Some people simply are not informed and are willing to question what they are doing and change - if we present information to them in a non-threatening manner. Some may need a little more time than others.
Then there are those that don't seem to be able to appreciate animals at all. Sometimes these people, themselves, have been victims to abuse or maltreatment and they just haven't received enough love and acceptance in their lives to be able to give or empathize with animals. Or they do not like or accept themselves, and so they are not able to truly like or love or accept others. It doesn't excuse them, but it is another way for us to try to understand them, and at the same time, appreciate our own ability, life's situation, and personal development that allows us to value life the way we do.
Remind ourselves that our ultimate goal is to help the animals. If possible, we want to try to keep people feeling positive about animals. We want them to stay open-minded about people who love animals and have strong views that may be different that the general public. If we are seen as hostile and judgmental, it will not help our causes. I know many animal lovers who truly are an asset to the field but at this point are not able to be vegetarian or value all animals the way we would like them to.
We can accept them where they are at, and accept the help they are willing to give, but of course, not compromise our own cruelty-free values. For example, they can quietly complain that there is no meat at a function or get a hamburger on their way home, but you still won't serve meat at the function. Then we are still getting help for the animals. We are giving them the chance to be around the animals - and the animals, sometimes, can be the most convincing of all in changing people's views.
If we turn one of these persons totally off, then we have lost that help for the animals, and lost the chance that they could gradually see things differently. We also might lose others to whom they may talk negatively about us and our beliefs. While I certainly will freely and openly talk about my views and philosophies, I want people to know that whatever they are willing to do to help animals is certainly a start and appreciated. But I also continue to model, and stick to my beliefs and values, and share my opinions. "Guilting" someone into a new behavior usually doesn't stick.
We currently live in a culture that makes cruelty-free living in all aspects very, very difficult. Most people are not even aware of all the different ways animal lives are compromised and sacrificed. Once they find out, it is so overwhelming their first reaction is to completely tune it out or ignore it. And some people just don't' have the strength at certain points in their life to challenge the mainstream.
People need to come to their own place with all of this at their own rate. We all have to pick our battles and find our comfortable place in the world of people and animals our own way. I have been encouraged when I have seen friends start to behave differently in their eating and lifestyle choices (maybe even years later after we discussed the issues). Sometimes it is just one little step at a time. I think being too hardhearted and judgmental will not help them "see the light" anyway.
Thanks for continuing to speak up for the animal world and the wonderful work you do for the pot-bellied pigs.
Leaving a group you founded when volunteers don't want you to go
Question from a member:
Can you cover the subject of founders who want to leave their organizations to go on with their lives? I founded a group over 10 years ago. It has been extremely successful, and I feel confident that it will continue on without me. But the volunteers, and we are an all, 100%, volunteer organization of about 200, don't want me to move on.Living without a salary has been very difficult for all of this time. My volunteers, and the animals that we rescue have been wonderful, but I need to get on with my life and have a job that pays. I would like some help dealing with my own emotional roller coaster over this, and helping the volunteers to realize that we need to bring new blood into the organization to bring it to the next level and goal.
Linda Harper's response:
It sounds like you are very well liked, loved and appreciated, and that is behind the volunteers not wanting you to go! So their resistance is coming from their recognition of a job well done, a leader well liked, and some insecurity on their parts about being able to continue on without you. As much as you would like them to be supportive of your need to move on, they may not be able to give you this right now, because of their attachment to you, their own sense of loss, and fear of the unknown.You are right. You need emotional support for your own roller coaster of emotions, but I think it might be too much to expect that support to come from the members of your group. Perhaps some other friends, family, people in animal welfare work, could be there for you in this regard.
The first thing you need to do is recognize all of your own conflicting feelings and emotions about leaving the group, and let yourself feel all of them. Although you have mixed feelings, you also seem to know that this is what you need to do. Having a good full understanding of your own feelings, conflicts and your decision will help you be stronger when talking with the group.
Then perhaps you could hold a meeting, or write a letter, or whatever method you are most comfortable with. Let everyone know as much about this process and decision as you feel comfortable telling them.
Remember, you do not have to convince them to agree with you. Just share with them some of your own sadness and feelings about leaving. Give them understanding of their feelings, yet firmly state that this is the decision you have reached. It is not up for debate, but already decided.
You can also reassure them that you have every confidence in their ability to keep the organization moving forward, while also mentioning what you see as the advantages to bringing "new blood into the organization to bring it to the next level and goal."
Finally, I don't know if you are planning on still being involved with the group on some consulting basis or less-involved role, but you probably know that this is also an option to consider. Sometimes a phasing-out is easier for an organization, whereas other times, the clean break is better for all involved. Trust your own instincts and personal comfort level on this one.
Good luck with this change in your life. It's important to find a way to say good-bye that will allow you to feel very good about this wonderful, continuing and growing group for which you have built a foundation.
When a "toxic" volunteer wants to be on the board
Question from Tia:
Our Humane Society Board is looking to expand and bring new blood into the group. The current President wants to bring a person on who is in charge of the Humane Society cat adoption program that features cats from our county run shelter at our local Pet Store. This person is a member of the Humane Society and desires to be on the Humane Society board.The problem is this person is nice enough until she doesn't get her way about something. Then she flies off. She says things that makes it sound like she is the only one who is saving animals, is condescending and holier than thou. She shows a lack of respect or understanding of what others do to help the animals.
My question is this: Should a "toxic" person such as this be on a board because that is what she wants, and the President of the Board feels pressured to do it so the girl will continue running the Pet Store cat program for the HS. The work she does to get cats to the Pet Store is vital and if she didn't do it, then we would be in a pickle to get someone else.
Personally, I would rather not have to deal with the person, and would rather take my chances that she might quit if she didn't get on the board. But then, I'm not the one who would have to find a replacement for the cat program.
Linda Harper's response:
You describe a common dilemma that I often hear about among volunteer agencies, ones that involve animal welfare as well as other kinds of organizations that rely on volunteers. I have seen this situation handled both ways, giving in to the "demanding" volunteer, or making a choice that is not what the volunteer wants and taking the chance that the volunteer will quit or might somehow retaliate.The best rule of thumb with volunteers is: As much as possible try to keep and put people in positions where their gifts are best used and where their personality styles best fit. This works out best for the agency as well as for the well being of the volunteers. Sometimes it is others (not the volunteers themselves) who are better able to see that certain duties or roles would not be in the best interest of the volunteer or the agency.
For example, volunteers with more "abrasive" personalities or those who "must have things their way" are best in positions where they can be fully in charge of one program, or part of a program, that does not require a lot of cooperative thinking and negotiating with others (whether they realize it or not). They may even think they want a certain position, but it really will only cause them stress and aggravation, as may be the case in the situation you describe.
I think it is best to try to have a general "policy" or philosophy about matching gifts and talents with duties and responsibilities. If necessary, this can be objectively (not emotionally) explained to that volunteer if she becomes "pressure" about being on the Board. Also, since they are looking "for new blood", it can be explained that the Board is looking for a person with certain other types of gifts without necessarily having to directly confront her about her problem personality. And, of course, others can let this volunteer know how valuable the work she does with the Cat Adoption program is and how well her gifts and personality are matched to it.
One other thing, you may just want to "carefully" share your ideas about her as a potential Board member with a few others, just to make sure it is not just a personal thing that you have with this person. Is she pretty much considered "toxic" to a Board by most of the others involved, too?
Finally, of course, there is the risk that she will quit when she doesn't get what she wants. But hopefully her desire to help the animals is larger than that. If it is not, then the reality is that she most likely would quit down the road when she doesn't get her way on some other issue. Think about this possibility: What if she were allowed to become a Board member, then decided to quit the Pet Store Cat Adoption work anyway and just be on the Board? Then your place would have two difficult situations instead of just one!
Good luck!
How do we work towards the same goal if we have different approaches?
Question from Sheryl:
Certain hot topics in the humane movement seem instantly to divide animal people, sending them scattering into their respective corners, ready to come out fighting. I am not immune to these emotions, though I have chosen. Of course, we all want to end animal overpopulation and suffering, but sometimes these divisive issues make our approaches seem mutually exclusive.For example:
No-Kill & Euthanasia "as needed to spare the lives of others"Animal Rights (no use of animals by humans) & Animal Welfare (best conditions possible for animals being used by humans)
Regulation of rescue/placement/foster & No Regulation
TNR for Ferals & Homing or Euthanizing Them
Only how do we work together toward the same goals while respecting that we always may have visceral beliefs in fundamentally different approaches?
Linda Harper's response:
Your question describes and summarizes a difficult and highly charged emotional part of the entire animal welfare movement. And I'm sure you have already guessed that I don't hold the magic answer! Your question is also one with significant meaning beyond those of us who help animals: it is one that pertains to all aspects of living and getting along with others, including people with all different causes, countries, politics, religions, bosses, coworkers, volunteers, spouses, family and friends!First, each of us needs to be true to our values and beliefs. If we feel we are being asked to compromise or deny these aspects of ourselves, we will burnout, feel resentful, possibly get sick, and not be helpful. It is important for the individual volunteers or animal welfare workers to be involved in ways that are consistent with their particular views on a "hot, emotional" issue. Whenever possible, we need to try to be involved with organizations that espouse at least "most" of our set of values when it comes to the animals. If you are very involved with an organization that holds the majority of your views and you are able to contribute in an area that matches your gifts and philosophy, it should work out for you to stay with them, while still letting it be known that you have different ideas in perhaps one of the other areas. Individual "soul-searching" is often required to figure out how to cooperatively help, yet still be true to your self.
I also feel, however, that when organizations are all working very hard toward the same goals, but you have personal differences, it is important to try to work those problems out without name-calling, reputation-blasting, or a lot of negative publicity for the organization. This is where tolerance and understanding of differences comes in.
We can hurt the overall movement toward No More Homeless Pets if too much energy and resources go toward fighting among ourselves. Media loves to find conflicts! We have made too much positive progress in changing the public's perception on "weird animal people" and "crazy cat ladies" to have it damaged by a lot of publicity regarding fighting among groups. Sometimes it may be best to state your difference, but quietly leave and find another way or place to help.
Finally, when differences come up in everyday conversation among staff, volunteers, friends, or perhaps members of organizations getting together for a common function (Like an Adoptathon, or Big Fix, or a conference), it is often better to find the areas of commonality to discuss. Try avoiding the topics that you know could be controversial. It is possible (and often a good idea) to honor our own set of values without always announcing them!
Getting involved as a volunteer when shelters are hesitant to accept new help
Question from Nancy:
I am looking for a shelter to get involved with now that I have retired from full time employment. I have a lot of experience working with dogs and cats. I could work in the shelter doing clean up, grooming, exercising, all the tasks that are required to care for them. I also have a lot of professional experience working with people and feel I could also contribute in other ways as well. I have developed and implemented new programs and found budgets for the past 30 years at a large university.The problem is that most shelters around here are understaffed and seem to not want the second level of participation from a new comer. Do you have any suggestions for how I could be helpful to the shelter and the animals, while also feeling like I am using my abilities as well as possible?
Linda Harper's response:
You have A LOT to offer to an animal-helping organization, including multi-talents and experience and most importantly, a great desire. If you happen to be in the Chicago area I would welcome your help in a new developing organization I am involved with! But assuming you are not in my neighborhood, I would still like to offer you some ideas and encourage you to follow your heart's desire!First, it may be helpful for you to sit down with pen and paper and think about, not only your particular talents, but the ways you enjoy giving/helping the most. For example, does implementing new programs and budgets still interest you, or is 30 years of it enough? Would you prefer more hands-on animal care, office or phone work, fundraising, or perhaps a mix? There are so many ways to help the animals, that it makes sense to think about the ways that might be most interesting and fulfilling for you.
Secondly, think about the kind of place that would be the best fit for you. Visit a few. What feels most comfortable to you? You will find that most animal-helping organizations (probably ALL of them) need help. If they offer any kind of tour or orientations, you may want to attend them for more information. I have seen potential volunteers back off from helping at different places, because they did not feel welcomed. They felt "rushed" by some administrator or office staff person. I have learned that this is usually not meant to be a "brush-off", but just an indication of how busy they are and how much they do need help! So if you have a few places that seem to match your giving style, and interests, and desires the most, then my advice is to persist with those places. Perhaps you might present the organization with a brief one-page description of you, your talents, interest and goals. If you are not set on helping in one particular way, then ask them what they need. Start out with helping in the area that the organization might need the most help. Then as you get to know more people and become more comfortable with the staff and other volunteers, you can branch out into other areas and even make new suggestions.
So, follow your heart's desires. Your new journey will lead you to some wonderful experiences with our furry friends (and people too)!
Bringing an organization's focus back on track and losing volunteers in the process
Question from a member:
Despite our all-volunteer organization's growth and success, the last few months of 2003 were filled with clashes stirred up by a few people who couldn't get their way. I took some personal hits too. The conflicts were having a detrimental effect on program services and fundraising. As President (a volunteer position), I encourage people to come to me with new ideas and concerns. But, by the end of the year, I was exhausted from reasoning with and explaining to people how our guidelines and procedures, put into place by members, fit into a bigger picture.The January meeting began by asking everyone to read our mission statement, which I put at the top of our agenda. I explained that every idea I come up with, ask the group to pursue and the Board to approve was done with one motive - to help animals. And, that although this work is rewarding, if anyone's involvement was to fill some need for glory, control or authority, they would be greatly disappointed as neither I nor the organization was there to meet those needs. Admittedly, I came to the end of my rope after having to put down my dearest old equine friend, feeling guilt and resentment for not spending more time with him, and conveyed this at the meeting.
A couple people have left, but everyone else seems to have hunkered down to positive work. Still, I wonder if I was too harsh and worry I may have cut off communication. Should I have handled this differently, and if so, how?
Linda Harper's response:
It sounds like you have been through a roller coaster of emotions these past few months with people issues as well as experiencing the loss of a dear friend at the same time. But first, before I even discuss the particulars of your situation, it is important to remember the wisdom of the old adage "hindsight is 20-20". We can only make decisions as best we can given who we are and what we know at the time. After we see the effects of some of our actions, then of course we are usually able to see where we could have done a few things differently. While I do believe in learning from our mistakes or past experiences, it is equally important to be as accepting of ourselves and the decisions that we make - as best we can at the time. I admire your willingness to re-look at what was obviously a very difficult time for you.I believe bringing everyone back to the mission statement was a very good approach and clearly authentic for you. It is sometimes necessary for a group of individuals who get sidetracked to remember, "We are all on the same team." I find when I have a couple in marriage counseling one of the most helpful things I can do is reminding them that they are on the same team! So bringing back the mission statement was an excellent way to re-focus people on why they are there. Since I wasn't there, I don't really know how people took you words about, "if anyone's involvement was to fill some need for glory, control or authority, they would be greatly disappointed as neither I nor the organization was there to meet those needs." In the ideal world of communication, this may not have been necessary to say to still get your valuable points across. Perhaps some of the people took it as a direct assault on their character or a questioning of their motives to help and that has turned them away.
Regardless of whether or not your "harshness" influenced people to leave, you want to keep the organization moving forward in a positive way. With the people who are still there, it is never too late to talk in ways to keep conversation open and flowing. If you are feeling that communication may have been damaged, make some extra effort to let people know you appreciate them and you are pleased to see things seem to be back on track. Ask them how they are doing with the changes.
I am sorry about the loss of your beloved horse, which is a difficult thing no matter when it happens. Also, it is a natural part of the grieving process to feel guilty about not spending more time with the person/animal/friend who has gone over the Rainbow Bridge. Based on your statement above, I don't know if you might be feeling like you somehow were "blaming" any of the other volunteers, and if this is the case, you may want to apologize and let them know it was your grief talking. Otherwise, if this is just a personal feeling of your own, it is important to be accepting of yourself and appreciate the relationship and time you had with your buddy. Our animal friends would always enjoy more time with us, but they are able to make the most of the time they do get - another lesson we could learn from them. Wishing you had spent more time with your friend is just a reflection of the loving relationship that was there.
It sounds like things are back on track. Keep up the good work.
Dealing with a frustrating volunteer that burns out other volunteers
Question from Kelly:
I volunteer with an extremely small group. For the past several years, there has been one very conservative, old school volunteer who has been running the show and making all the decisions, including those involving life and death, basically all by herself.Now, we have a group of young and enthusiastic volunteers who are very interested in implementing a more progressive approach, and we are meeting a lot of resistance from this volunteer. We care about her, appreciate what she has done for animals, and respect her experience - and hey, what group doesn't need a control freak to keep the whole thing together? But those of us who are putting in a lot of time and energy feel that it is time that our opinions started to count for something, especially when it comes to deciding who lives and who dies.
Instead of becoming burnt out by the animals' sad stories, we are losing volunteers, because they are becoming burnt out by this one individual! We can't afford to keep losing really good people, and we can't afford to have those who stay spend so much time incapacitated by anger and frustration. We recognize that she isn't going to change or retire any time soon! So what we need to figure out is how can we deal with the frustration and keep our volunteers from running away?
Linda Harper's response:
My first reaction to your question is wondering if there is room in this "extremely small" organization for some simple restructuring that would allow a little more teamwork, and group decision-making. Perhaps even a majority vote on various issues or policies of the organization could replace a one-volunteer decision-maker. Can some of the areas of the organization be restructured to include different coordinators in charge of different areas?Since the organization is growing with more "young and enthusiastic" volunteers, perhaps there would be a way to present some changes or restructuring that the "old-school" volunteer might be open to that would "lessen her load". There may be ways this can be done gently and properly that would not even require her approval. Perhaps one approach might be to get an outside consultant from another animal group to spend some time looking at the organization and offering some objective, non-personal advice for change within the organization's structure.
Does this one volunteer truly hold all the power, or does she have a group of supporters behind her? If for some reason this aspect of the organization cannot be changed (but usually one volunteer can be out-numbered), then it may be helpful to gather information on new programs that have been implemented and worked out elsewhere. Spell out the results and the advantages for the animals and also work out, in a step by step plan. What would it take to achieve this goal? Which volunteers are willing to work on it?
Include this conservative volunteer in brainstorming meetings and get-togethers of all the different people to share progressive ideas and goals. Keep the enthusiasm and new possibilities alive and growing! Hopefully, she could see that these new ideas are consistent with her goals to help the animals, while also realizing that these ideas are not going to go away!
While the organization is undergoing restructuring, to minimize frustration in the new volunteers, they need the opportunity to speak up with their new ideas. Wherever, possible, within the established structure, they need to find ways to be able to use their ideas and gifts to help the animals.
When rescuers start attacking other rescuers verbally on e-groups
Question from a member:
I find that the vitriol and savagery within the rescue/animal welfare movement more and more distressing and disturbing. Rescuers who attack each other with the fury of an out-of-control wildfire seem to more and more be dominating the rescue community. I find myself not posting useful information on various e-groups to which I belong just to keep below the radar of these surly folks. Any suggestions for coping?Linda Harper's response:
I think one of the best strategies for dealing with the moods, tempers and emotional issues of others is to stay focused on our own beliefs and what we are feeling and doing. We don't want to get sidetracked from our own efforts and joys by spending too much time focusing on those who are angry, negative and picking fights.There are plenty of examples of animal welfare groups and people who are working together and sharing positive stories and encouragement, even amidst differences. We could look at the many aspects of animal welfare and rescue like a television set and just change the channel or turn it off for a while and reflect on our own views and thoughts.
At the same time, I think it can be helpful to try to understand the reactions of some of these people who seem to be so angry. Here is one way to look at the "out of control wildfire" from some of the people you mentioned: There are many frustrations in animal rescue. People who are passionately trying so hard to make a difference are so often faced with difficulties and circumstances that just are not in their control. So then what happens? They look for things that are in their control to vent about or try to change.
Since animal rescuers know what pushes the buttons of others with a similar passion, this is an "easy outlet". It is one of the ways they try to release some of the anger that they are really feeling toward the people who are indifferent toward the animals. As we all have discovered, it doesn't help to yell at the people who are really frustrating us. They may not care about these animal related issues, but the people who do care will listen and will get upset. Of course, logically they are not the ones that should be receiving the anger and frustration. Those venting are not accomplishing anything in reality. But when they get a reaction from another animal rescue person with a different view, they may feel a "false sense of control", that they are affecting people and "championing their cause".
Again, I am not excusing this inappropriate and unhelpful behavior. I'm just trying to give us all a little more understanding of where it might be coming from, so that we can distance ourselves from it and not get caught up in the emotional upheaval of it all. We don't accomplish anything if we end up spending our time venting our frustrations by dwelling on these people who are inappropriately venting on us!
Finally, another thing we can do is continuing to model working together and accepting each other's differences in our conversations, writings, postings and newsletters. We can show a positive and understanding attitude in our every day work and conversations. We can decide that we are going to make a deliberate effort to avoid talking badly about other groups with views different than our own. We can focus on the commonalities. We can politely decline from getting involved in the negative and group-bashing conversations. You'd be surprised how contagious the positive stories can be!
Balancing your volunteers' wishes with what is best for the organization
Question from Tina:
We are an all volunteer foster group with a membership who votes. We have recently had some dogs come in that have been temperament tested and failed for being nippy. Some members in our organization feel that the dog should have passed, and are questioning how the test was administered. They are saying that we are putting down dogs that could be adoptable, and that is not our mission. Others are saying that we have to be realistic, that we can't save every one, and that we have to be careful with liability concerns if the dog were to bite someone. It is causing a lot of controversy in our organization and fracturing our members and volunteers.I feel in this case the dog should not have been put down. But we do need to have a testing process in place and be careful if a dog does bite. How do you try to balance the desires of all your membership and do the best for animals and people?
Linda Harper's response:
You describe a situation that sounds very hard on the heart. When I hear difficulties like this one I try to remember that we have made great strides, especially in the last 10-15 years, in working toward the goal of a time when every pet has a chance for a loving home. And we are continuing to get more and more dedicated and passionate people aboard as we get closer every day to this wonderful vision.We are not there yet; but I like to imagine a time when there will be many empty spaces in animal shelters and foster homes. I picture a time when there are more people who want to help animals than there are animals in need of help. I picture a time when even those pets that have trouble with these various tests can easily go to "temperament school" and receive all the extra help and care they need so that they too, can have every chance for a loving permanent home. Then some of these heart-wrenching controversies among individual people and organizations, all dedicated to the cause, will no longer exist!
It is commendable that you would like to try to "balance the desires of your membership". When it comes to matters of the heart, this often is not possible. Certain kinds of values and beliefs, like the ones you describe, cannot find a middle ground or in-between position. The organization, or voting members as a whole, may need to reflect and discuss the interpretation of the mission and the best way to meet it, gathering as much information as possible from the experience of other organizations - foster groups, in this case.
Sometimes a problem or controversy that seems like it can only be solved one way or the other really does have a whole different option that needs to be discovered. Sometimes through research, looking at what other groups have done, or a lot of good dedicated open-minded brainstorming a new option is found. This may involve multiple meetings and discussions. After these issues become more clarified to all, the individuals involved can only search deep within themselves and determine what they need to do. Can they be part of the organization if it holds a policy that is inconsistent with their beliefs in this matter or requires them to take more chances than they are comfortable taking? Other members, then, need to respect the decisions that the individuals make. Meanwhile, we all will continue to strive for that time when the people who care the most no longer have to be faced with these kinds of decisions. We never want to lose sight of the fact that we will get there!
Comment from Sue:
We had many situations where our staff and volunteers were concerned over the results of our temperament assessments. We felt that an effort needed to be made to educate everyone about our position and provide him/her with as much information as possible. We have resources to provide training and education for some dogs, but not those that we feel are a danger to either the public or us. On several occasions dogs who kenneled beautifully had extremely serious issues once evaluated. To help the staff and volunteers understand the decisions we made we began videotaping assessments.Our euthanasia decisions are made by group recommendations, but all are signed by the Director. We are able to show her the videotape, and any staff member who has concerns is allowed to take time out of their day to watch it as well. Rather than seeing a dog one day and the next it would be gone, sharing our information has dramatically reduced the questioning emotions felt by the staff and has given them confidence in the test itself.
Because we allow dogs time to settle down and give them a more fair evaluation, there may be an application to adopt the dog before a decision is made to place him for adoption. In those cases we can explain the issues that give us concern and even show the videotape to allow the family to make a decision as to whether they feel they can handle a dog with those problems giving us the ability to still adopt out a dog who has been labeled "unadoptable".
Spending a period of time videotaping evaluations will allow you to decide if the group is truly euthanizing dogs where it is unwarranted. If the majority feels as you do, the policy might change. Viewing the tapes together allows the group to come to a consensus as to where to draw the line for safety.
Overcoming the "we've already tried it and it didn't work" mentality
Question from a member:
I started a "friends of" program with a few other people for our local shelter. When we approach them about programs we would like to do or events we would like to try, the staff always responds with reasons why it won't work or that they tried it before with no success, or that people won't participate. I know a lot of them have been in this a long time and it is frustrating, but how can we ever make any progress if they always have a negative attitude? It really defeats our morale when we are always met with "no".Linda Harper's response:
First, keep in mind that the negative attitude you are encountering only reaffirms the need for your "friends of" organization, so please try to hang in there. I know those "yes, buts..." can be frustrating. As a psychologist who often feels like I am coming up with some great new ideas for individuals who are stuck, I too, get frustrated with the "Yes, but... that won't work, I already tried it, etc." So one thing we have to keep in mind is that others often operate on a very different change schedule that we do or than we would like them to be on. We need to keep presenting our point of view and ideas, perhaps finding new and different ways. Then also try to let go of our need to see these ideas be taken by a certain time. Even though it delays help for the animals, sometimes we have no choice but to accept that others just take longer to "get it" than we would like.Fear of change - even good change - is a common stumbling block for individuals and for organizations. So whatever you might be able to do to help alleviate fears that you sense might be a place to start. You want to try to show them that you are appreciative of what they have done, the time restraints they have. I have a feeling that one of the biggest fears they have is that your "Friends of" is going to ask them to do a whole bunch more work, and they already feel overloaded. If you can show your plans and break them down into small steps, spelling out how each one would be accomplished. Show how your members would be able to do the greater load of the work. You might have an easier time of it.
Let the shelter see that your group is very enthusiastic, dedicated to the same cause, and energetic and persistent. If they can identify one or two specific concerns that they have about your ideas, take them and address them. Find ways to show them you can work around it. Present to them how other groups have been successful, with specifics to ease their fears. If you can, find ways to show them that they have made successful changes in the past (before your group was established). This might reassure them that you are on their side and understand who they are and what they can do.
Even though it might feel like it only slows things down, the more understanding that you can give them about how they are feeling, the less threatening you will seem to them. Although it might seem obvious to you that you are on their side, emotionally the people in the shelter may not really feel this way. They need to be "won over". I know this can feel very irritating to your group members who are ready to go, but are not being given the chance. Let your own group members express their feelings while continuing to problem-solve.
When you find even one small area that the shelter seems more interested or less fearful of trying, go full speed ahead with that one, even if it is just a very, very small thing. If you start with a small change and give them the chance to see how you work and how the change would work, they will have more confidence in your help for the bigger things.
Rather than feeling like you are not being given a chance to implement any of your programs, consider looking at your role from a different perspective. Your first goal as "Friends of" might be trying to "win them over, reduce their fears, and gain their confidence". If you look at your role this way, your group will feel less frustrated and you can spend some productive time brainstorming on this issue first.
Remember, the more you can understand the nature of the resistance you are dealing with, the easier it will be for you to find ways to work around it or to present things in a way that will be easier for them to consider. Just keep trying. Perhaps it will take the 5th or 6th or 7th...version of the same idea before they will consider it. Hang in there. You believe in your cause and your passionate persistence can overcome the resistance!
Comment from a member:
I would agree with the expert's response on this, if I weren't on the receiving end of "great new ideas". Our group has tried many things, including newspaper ads, to no result. When a community member, generally one who does not volunteer with us, comes up and tells us that how we are doing things is wrong or could be better and then informs us of the very thing that we tried last year, yes, we are less than receptive. Especially when this community member has no interest in volunteering but wants us to do more... and we are all volunteers.Perhaps the friends of people who wrote the question are getting this reaction, because so far they haven't been willing to DO anything other than offer their opinion. If they asked the shelter if they had anything that the friends group could do, and then do an amazing job of it, maybe the shelter would be more apt to pay attention to their other ideas.
There are many, many chiefs and very few Indians out there willing to put in the work. When those of us who have dedicated every second of free time are insulted and told that we are not really trying, we tend to disregard that person. Suck it up, do what needs to be done, and maybe the next time they will believe that your true goal is to help - not tell them what they are doing wrong.
When progress within a group is at a standstill
Question from Barb:
I'm part of a small, core group of people who have been making the decisions about how our group should move forward. We have always worked really well together, but recently it seems like we can't communicate. Now we are all afraid to share our opinions, because we are afraid that if we speak our minds others will take it wrong or get mad. Our group's progress has come to a standstill. Everyone is frustrated, but no one knows how to fix it. We've had multiple meetings to vent our frustrations but they just go round in circles. Help!Linda Harper's response:
Since you have all worked well together before, and have been able to communicate in the past, please don't be discouraged. It is most likely just a temporary standstill. Sometimes "getting stuck" is a healthy part of the process and the impetus for big changes ahead! There could be some fear of growth going on and people just need a little time to get used to some of the changes and this is behind the standstill.Of course, there could be any number of things going on that is presently blocking communication. It seems like you are really not sure what the issues are that have caused this stagnation in communication. Nevertheless, there still are a variety of possibilities for ways to proceed.
You could just let things settle down on their own. Perhaps everyone has had a chance to vent their frustrations and now things just need to be calm and left alone for a little while. Just like when any relationship has its troubles, sometimes a little time and space from the problems really enables us to more clearly identify what the exact problem is, or let go of it, or just be able to approach things with a new fresh look.
You could suggest that the group go do something fun together to break the ice. It could be going to a movie, getting coffee and dessert, whatever you think might be fitting for your group of people. Probably, a non-animal related activity would be best. Perhaps everyone needs a little distance from the intensity that is being felt right now to gain a new perspective. It will also help everyone realize that you are all just regular people trying to do the right thing and there is a whole other world going on out there. Something that might get everyone laughing again is often a good start. This could lighten the mood and help everyone get things back in perspective.
Another option is to pass out a very brief questionnaire -type form asking the individuals to describe how they are feeling about their work and the organization. What do you like about how things are going now? What would you like to have change? What is most rewarding for you? What is most frustrating for you?
Perhaps people would feel comfortable being more anonymous and you would have a better clue what is going on. Another "ice breaking" technique is to have people write one issue/concern on a piece of paper, put it in a hat. Then have each person take one out and read the problem as if they are stating it themselves (but no one knows who wrote it). Then have the group work together to problem-solve. We did this one quite frequently in graduate school and it was safe, fun and a lot of good problem solving occurred. People relax right away when they feel problems and concerns can be discussed with a little bit of "identity distance".
Finally, you could also begin a meeting by just very briefly, calmly and authentically telling everyone your feelings and asking how others are feeling about this. If they are not feeling the way you are about communication problems, or do not want to identify any particular problem, then you might just want to proceed as usual. Let the bumps work themselves out with time. If others do say they have been feeling in similar ways, then you can proceed by letting anyone who wants to share a particular concern go ahead and do that - calmly - and one at a time - with no one arguing back. It would be clearly stated that each person has a chance to just say what they are feeling and be heard, with no immediate answer by anyone else, until everyone has had a chance to do this.
After everyone just gets a chance to say what he/she needs to say, then the group as a whole would try to problem-solve or discuss. Make sure that everyone who wants to gets a chance to say what he/she is personally feeling (not what they think others are feeling or doing but their own feelings). Make sure feelings are validated.
For this first round of discussion, everyone just gets their 10 minutes (or whatever) to say what they have been feeling. This does not mean that the person necessarily gets their way or that the problem is solved the way they want it to be. But, they know that their feelings were heard and understood without interruption. Perhaps you will just reach a conclusion that everyone is frustrated, but no one thing or person or situation is to blame and that is just the nature of this field. Or perhaps some little adjustments that make a big difference can be made.
Consider which of these options might seem most fitting for your group or perhaps some of these ideas might spark one of your own. Trust your instincts and proceed! Sometimes a group reaches a new level of communication and cohesiveness after they find they can overcome temporary standstills.
Getting groups to a meeting and leaving egos and personalities behind
Question from Gwen:
Do you have any tips for how to lead a meeting and keep it on track with all of the different groups, personalities, and egos in the room? We are trying to bring all the groups together to talk, but we are finding that many of them cannot let go of their preconceived notions or beliefs about each other. We are trying to keep the meetings on track and staying positive, but are finding it difficult especially with one no-kill rescue that always brings up how many animals Animal Control is killing and how bad it is.Linda Harper's response:
As I am sure you already know, it is not an easy task to get different groups together to talk, no matter how great the leader's skills and abilities are. There are definite obstacles that automatically are present in the type of situation you described, many of which may never go away. People do easily feel threatened and get defensive about what they are doing, especially when they know that others in the room hold opposite views. This is especially the case when issues with strong emotional and philosophical components are involved and there is a wide variety of groups with a common cause but very different approaches.Some people may never be able to change their preconceived notions but cooperation is still possible. Those who are being "pegged" as being a certain way need to try to stay objective and not take it too personally. A group may have to just accept that they are being seen inaccurately, for now, but still proceed with their idea and plans.
So my first suggestion is to have a very realistic perspective on the meetings. Keep your expectations very low. Just getting the groups to meet is often a major accomplishment. Be prepared to have this process take a great deal of time and perhaps countless meetings with steps forward and steps backward. Consider even the tiniest sign of cooperation or a willingness to look at another view a success.
Secondly, it might help your perspective and frustration level if you keep in mind that the goal of these initial meetings is just a little bit of improved cooperative teamwork and a little less inter-group hostility. You really are not expecting people to see things the same way or change their entire belief systems or even really understand each other. If any of these things do happen, that's icing on the cake, but these kinds of changes are not necessary to feel the meetings are worthwhile.
It can be really difficult sometimes to learn to sort through and accept the things we do not have control over changing. We can then be pleasantly surprised if we do happen to get some change in one of those areas we least expected. Meanwhile, we continue to make our efforts and follow our passions and sense of purpose.
As far as the actual meeting goes, it is best if you have a very concrete agenda with specific areas to discuss with possibly even a certain time limit on each topic. This way you can end a discussion, because of time, when it is obvious that there is no chance of any kind of agreement. The group will know it has to move on because of time constraints. It will not feel like a "failed area of compromise" - just a delay for now. The leader must be prepared to keep things moving along and stick to the agenda. When there is a time limit on a topic, then various members can often see what the biggest blocks are going to be in that area. They can prepare their "case for change" during the time in between meetings. This helps avoid a meeting where everyone is spinning wheels and getting into heated, emotional arguments with little factual information. The next time the topic is brought up people likely will have more data to support their position.
Another option is to start with just a few groups together and gradually add more. Or limit the topics at first to those that you know won't be quite as heated. Then gradually build up to the other topics after some kinds of cooperative relationships may have begun. If one person can begin to model the "agree to disagree" policy, others will often catch on.
When things start to get too emotional or personal, the leader can try to bring the group back to the objective agenda. Remind everyone that it is natural that there are very different opinions in the room. Perhaps it would even be helpful every meeting to remind the group of this fact and ask that they handle disagreements respectfully. Bringing people back to the objective agenda and purpose is sometimes the only way to diffuse these varying feelings.
Again, as I have said before, the more each person can come to understand what is behind the resistance in a person or group, the less frustrating the experience will be for everyone. A person does not have to give up any part of his/her own values to just be willing to listen quietly to a differing position.
And finally, consult with other people who have been involved in similar kinds of meetings and have seen successful coalitions form, even with extremely different views. Find out what kinds of things worked for them. Check out some of the expert advice on this particular topic that is archived on this No More Homeless Pets online forum.
When shelter workers become hardened and indifferent
Question from Carol:
I work at a shelter. I normally love my job and am here for the animals. I try to remind myself of that everyday! But lately I am so disturbed by our animal care staff's lack of compassion towards the animals. They make decisions to euthanize based on breeds they like better, and make jokes about "this one's going to get the blue juice!" It seems like they have become really jaded about the animals in their care. They make fun of me for going back every day to give the dogs treats and walk them, which they never do. I guess it is probably a coping method, but is it too late to get them to care again and how can I start?Linda Harper's response:
You describe a work environment that is not emotionally healthy for anybody, including the animals. I am sorry that you have to hear such callous remarks. I am sure you are right. They have found this to be some kind of coping method, but it is not an acceptable one! It is actually one of the three red flags of burnout in people who are in care giving roles. It is called "depersonalization". It means becoming indifferent and even neglectful or hardened toward those you are caring for or working with.In the burnout sessions that Faith and I give at the No More Homeless Pets section, animal caregivers on the verge of burning-out usually feel callous toward the people who are giving up the animals - but not toward the animals! So these people you are describing are either way past burnout or really do not have the personality, sensitivity or emotional stability to work with homeless needy animals.
Throughout many of my responses this week, I have been encouraging people to accept people for who they are and to not be too quick to judge or criticize. In this case, however, the attitudes, statements, and behavior of coworkers are so toxic to the working environment that animal care is being compromised. Acceptance is not acceptable. Even if their attitudes are due to burnout or their own personal issues, they need to take responsibility for themselves and either get out or do whatever they need to do to get the help they need.
But in answer to your question, "Is it too late to get them to care again, and how can I start?" I will say that it is never too late for anyone to change. That is one of the reasons I chose to be a psychologist. But in answering the second part of your question, I must tell you that you cannot take it upon yourself to try to get them to change or "to care again". You will only become frustrated and demoralized. Change has to come from within the person and there is little that you can do to cause change in somebody else, especially people who are at the point these people seem to be. There are a couple of things you can do though, to try to deal with the situation and improve conditions for yourself and the animals.
From your question I get the impression that you are a fellow co-worker with no additional authority. I would like to assume that the supervisors and administrators, managers, and perhaps the Board members are not aware that this destructive attitude toward the animals and animal care is happening at their shelter. One or more persons in a position of authority and responsibility needs to become aware and informed of what is going on, so that they can take the proper actions to correct this situation.
Meanwhile, it is important that you continue to be yourself. Hang tough with your own beliefs, and continue to model good, empathic care and respect for the animals in your attitude and activities. It would also be appropriate for you to give these co-workers feedback on what they are doing or not doing. Let them know your feelings and concerns. This won't necessarily spark any change in them, but at least you will feel like you are standing up for your own beliefs and for the animals. They will know that this is not an approach held by everybody there.
I wish you the best of luck in a difficult situation. I hope things turn around as quickly as they possibly can.
When people try to guilt you into activities
Question from Mary:
The president of our group believes that everyone should be involved in hands on rescue and fostering. I personally do not feel that I can do these aspects, because I get too emotionally involved and wrapped up in one situation. I feel I am much better at the big picture doing fundraising, starting programs, finding new volunteers and fosters. I think there is a need for both.At member meetings, our President constantly makes us feel we aren't doing enough if we aren't doing the level she is doing or responding to every rescue call. It is getting to the point where I and many other members are demoralized from always being told what we aren't doing instead of what we are.
Yet ironically she is completely overwhelmed herself and near burnout! So why would she want us to do the same thing?
Linda Harper's response:
It is often hard to figure out why people do what they do. But one thought that I have is that perhaps it is the president's way (and not the best way) of trying to let other know that she is overwhelmed and needs a lot more help than she is getting. She clearly wants to help the animals. Perhaps she doesn't know any other way to get more help than to ask or demand it of those she trusts and knows are capable of doing what she does. Possibly she feels very stuck, but she is choosing the wrong way to try to fix the problem. And you are right. Her approach will not energize people, but it will have the opposite effect than she wants. People will become demoralized and leave.Ideally, meetings would be held where the needs are outlined and matched with the strengths and interests of the members. The group brainstorms on how to get more volunteers and/or members to fill the gaps where needs are not being met. Perhaps some of the members could agree to take on certain areas of need for just a temporary, short amount of time while action is being taken to get more volunteers to fill these positions.
In my answers this week, I have encouraged people to be aware of and go with their strengths, limitations, and their own style of giving. You know that there is certain work that you cannot do, because you get too emotionally involved. Good for you! You need to honor that personal insight and self-knowledge.
From a psychological perspective, unless perhaps we are talking about being in boot camp preparing for war, there is no advantage to having everyone do everything, especially those activities and tasks that are uncomfortable for them. The organization and everyone within the organization, including animals and people, are better off when people's talents, interests and desires are matched to the task. This is the whole premise of my most recent book.
People become stressed and depleted when they are pushed to give in ways that are not natural to them. There is a certain amount of challenging ourselves for personal growth that can be healthy and reaffirming. But in a volunteer situations or when one is giving from the heart (rather than a requirement of a job or contract) individuals need to decide on their own how much they want to challenge themselves. Then do it at their own pace. Of course, if it is part of a job requirement and nonnegotiable, then people have to decide whether to agree to it or leave the job. So I encourage you to stay with what feels comfortable to you. And yes, you are right. There are so many different ways to help the animals and the ways that you mentioned as being your strengths and interests are important and crucial to the success of any organization that wants to help animals.
So what choices do you have? You can try to ignore the comments that are made in the meetings, implying that members should be a certain way. Realize that these are her issues, and continue to help in the ways that are right for you and give you meaning. Or, you can try to have a one-on-one meeting with the president or even perhaps a few of you together with the same feelings. Let her know that her words feel harsh and that you would all like to continue helping in your own way. But perhaps also let her know you are willing to take on the project of helping help her find more volunteers who could fulfill these other areas that currently have an inadequate amount of help (like the hands-on rescue work).
Since this president does seem to be dedicated to the same cause we all are, I hope that it can work out where everybody, including her, is able to share their most natural gifts with the other people and with the animals. But if necessary, you can find a different organization that will be happy to have you share your gifts the way that works best for you.
